The message of anger
The thing about angry, difficult kids is that their behavior is communication. Something is happening to them or inside them that is too big for them to deal with on their own. They express that overwhelm as anger because they don’t have words to express what is inside them. What happens for a lot of parents is that they themselves might not have a lot of words to deal with their own overwhelm and anger. So they shut kids down. It’s not too hard to do when kids are little. You can put them in time out or banish them some other way. You can tell them to be quiet or that they are bad or any number of other things. But as they get older and bigger, you can’t do those things. The kids will answer back or won’t go or stay where you tell them to go. Then there are more and more altercations and shouting matches.
If we can shift from seeing kids’ anger as an attack on our authority as parents and see it instead as communication, we have a chance of actually getting to the root of the issue. Sometimes we need to have the humility to bring in outside help, including going to a therapist, because there are developmental issues or mental health issues that have to be addressed. But the main point is to try to figure out why a child is upset and to get beyond the proximate cause, like not wanting to put their shoes away or whatever the little thing is, to the bigger thing that is upsetting them.
This involves a shift in mindset, away from an enmeshed relationship where my kid’s upsets are threats to my ego and my authority and toward a relationship where I can see a kid is having a problem but know neither the kid nor their problem are my fault/my problem/an attack. It’s our responsibility as parents to help our kids learn the words to express themselves and learn ways of coping other than hollering and crying or hitting. But their problems aren’t ours. We can’t take them away from our kids. What we can do is sit beside them, hold them, talk them through when they are ready.
This doesn’t mean that you allow all expressions of emotions without comment. Sometimes a kid is overreacting, and one of the things we have to teach them is to see things in perspective and have self control. As one therapist I know says, “Don’t have a level 10 reaction to a level 3 problem.”
A lot of parenting advice makes reference to the notion of tough love, but it’s rare to see any of these approaches as being at all empathetic to kids. They usually employ silencing tactics, which just make big, overwhelming feelings go underground and pop out at weird times. Also, there is a strain of Protestantism that sees God the Father as sort of the big meanie in the sky, who let Jesus be tortured and killed so that He wouldn’t “have to” do that to the whole human race. I’m exaggerating a little bit, but not much. We have to get the notion of a loving father very clear for ourselves so that we don’t either fall into heresy or fall into terrible parenting. The story of Jesus is not the story of the big brother taking the beating from the mean dad so the little kids don’t get hurt. It’s the story of a loving God who breaks a path for his lost children so they can escape from death and return home.
God the father is always, always trying to show us the way home. This is the model of the good father. Mary the Theotokos, weeping at the foot of the cross, watching as her son endures the worst death the Romans could come up with, staying with him, not abandoning him, is the model of the good mother.
So. What does this mean for us? We stay with an upset child and try to help him find the way back home, to safety and comfort.
A kid is angry, maybe even threatening to hurt themselves or someone else. You stay calm. Do not try to fight fire with fire. Your anger will only throw gasoline on the flames.
Make sure the environment is safe.
Does the kid want you to hold them? Or just listen? Your message should be, “I am here. I want to help you. I love you.” A therapist taught me to put my hand on my child’s back when he is crying on the floor. Don’t rub or pat. Just be there, calm and steady. Maybe the kid wants you to touch him, maybe not. If he shakes you off a couple of times, then don’t touch him.
Sometimes it will help to say to an angry child “Do you want a hug?” Offer affection if it makes sense in the moment. Sometimes that won’t help. You know your child. Anger often is masking sadness.
If a kid is expressing what is making them mad, HEAR IT. Don’t tell them why they’re wrong. Try to understand why this thing would make them upset. They didn’t get to play their favorite game at recess? Kids teased them? The teacher was unfair? Their sibling took their stuff? Yes, to adults, it seems like small potatoes. For kids, it’s big.
You can say, “Wow. You’re really upset.”
You can say, “I would feel hurt, too.”
You can say, “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time.”
You can say, “That stinks.”
Sometimes you just say "ugh" or make a face or shake your head. Something to show them you hear them, you can see they are upset.
Hear the kid out before you start telling them what to do about their upset or why they’re wrong or to consider the other person’s perspective. When a child feels heard, they are able to hear you. But don’t rush it.
Sometimes just being heard is enough. The child doesn't need a solution. She needs someone to bear witness without judgement to her upset. Just hanging out with a calm, loving adult will be enough for her to gather herself and be able to do life again. So often what human beings, both young and old, are craving is to be heard, to be seen, to have someone say "Yes. I get it."
This takes an immense amount of self-control in the part of the adult. Which means you have to take very good care of yourself at other times. It can be hard to be this present to another person’s upset. Be sure to tend your own feelings, both positive and negative.
If you have a child who seems to struggle more than others, try to find them a therapist. Consider finding yourself a therapist. I know how hard this can be. I also know it’s worth it.
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