Somehow, I lost the instruction manual.
So, I'm doing this home school thing. It's hard. Really, really hard. I do remember how to do basic addition and how to sound out words. That's not the hard part. What's hard is that I get to deal with Mr. A all day long, every day. He is an exhausting child. The level of concentration it takes for me to stay a few steps ahead of him, teach him, get him dressed and try to keep his temper directed in a positive way AND to make sure everyone gets fed and dishes and clothes are occasionally washed AND take care of Vuk (as the new baby is being Web-christened; pronounced to rhyme with 'kook' and Serbian for wolf, because this kid can howl) rivals the concentration it took for me to pass my master's exams.
I'm really tired, all the time. I also try to exercise a bit, so as not to lose myself in a fat duvet, and read a bit, because Thomas the Tank Engine, while lovely if you're five, is not so great if you're 28.
And in the midst of this struggle and fatigue, there are The Other Parents. I have to tell you, I spend most of my life avoiding these people. They are the people with the naturally quiet and obedient children. And they're all really happy to tell me about their System, the grand childrearing techniques that helped them raise their little angels.
On the one hand are the various 'tough' ways to raise children. What I've noticed these systems all have in common is that the adult is allowed to be a tyrant over the child, who is presumed to be a nuisance, at best, or a manipulative little monster, who, with malice aforethought, plots his parents' misery. I will admit to thinking these things about my children, but I know, in the back of my mind, that I am completely out of my head when those thoughts are running around and that I just need to have a cup of tea and five minutes' peace and I'll feel better about the whole thing.
These systems, though, seem to valorize those feelings of irritation toward my children, to the point that if I am annoyed at anything they're doing, these systems would encourage me to punish them, usually by spanking them with some object. There are all sorts of caveats about not spanking in anger, as well as a thin veneer of proof-texts from Scripture that appear to justify this kind of punishment, if not command it (!) of Christian parents. It's hard to see how one could possibly punish a child in anything but anger in these systems, since the child is always seen as the parents' adversary.
On the other side, which I admit I vastly prefer, are the very gentle parents, whose children really do seem to respond to quiet, rational requests to cease undesirable behaviors. Well, I wish my child always responded to rational persuasion, but the sad truth is, he rarely does. Especially if he's got his little heart set on something that he can't have. It usually takes quite a bit of firmness, if not a long sojourn in his room, to convince my son he can't have something he wants.
Because my kid has always been a bit more than most other children (louder, faster, more passionate), I've been hearing from The Other Parents for a very long time. (Feels like, anyway.) Either a 'toughie' is wondering why I don't just wallop the little brat or a 'softie' is frowning at the extremely firm tone I've taken. What I've noticed the hard asses and softies all have in common, though, is an absolute faith that their system is the cause of their child's good behavior. And an absolute faith that this good behavior and compliance will last throughout childhood and adolescence and into adulthood. That somehow, whatever their system is, it guarantees that their child will never bring home an undesirable future life partner or join a political party or religion other than their parents'.
This seems a very silly thing to think, not that most people would own up to thinking it. The systemization of parenting, the very word parenting, puts the parent in the center, with all the power to make his children turn out 'right', whatever that is. The truth, though, is that parents and children are in a relationship, where all the parties are having to get to know and respect one another. The truth is that children have free will and are perfectly capable of looking at all the good things we have given them and tried to teach them and say, "No. I don't want any of it," and go and do something that breaks our hearts.
It's terrifying, being a parent and knowing that no matter what, my kids have the freedom to reject me and my beliefs absolutely. The thing is, though, that I can't take that freedom away by following some kind of external parenting system. That freedom is intrinsic to them.
I wish I were brave enough to say all this to The Other Parents, but I usually just end up nodding and changing the subject. We'll all find out in 20 or 30 years who did it 'right'. Or not.
I'm really tired, all the time. I also try to exercise a bit, so as not to lose myself in a fat duvet, and read a bit, because Thomas the Tank Engine, while lovely if you're five, is not so great if you're 28.
And in the midst of this struggle and fatigue, there are The Other Parents. I have to tell you, I spend most of my life avoiding these people. They are the people with the naturally quiet and obedient children. And they're all really happy to tell me about their System, the grand childrearing techniques that helped them raise their little angels.
On the one hand are the various 'tough' ways to raise children. What I've noticed these systems all have in common is that the adult is allowed to be a tyrant over the child, who is presumed to be a nuisance, at best, or a manipulative little monster, who, with malice aforethought, plots his parents' misery. I will admit to thinking these things about my children, but I know, in the back of my mind, that I am completely out of my head when those thoughts are running around and that I just need to have a cup of tea and five minutes' peace and I'll feel better about the whole thing.
These systems, though, seem to valorize those feelings of irritation toward my children, to the point that if I am annoyed at anything they're doing, these systems would encourage me to punish them, usually by spanking them with some object. There are all sorts of caveats about not spanking in anger, as well as a thin veneer of proof-texts from Scripture that appear to justify this kind of punishment, if not command it (!) of Christian parents. It's hard to see how one could possibly punish a child in anything but anger in these systems, since the child is always seen as the parents' adversary.
On the other side, which I admit I vastly prefer, are the very gentle parents, whose children really do seem to respond to quiet, rational requests to cease undesirable behaviors. Well, I wish my child always responded to rational persuasion, but the sad truth is, he rarely does. Especially if he's got his little heart set on something that he can't have. It usually takes quite a bit of firmness, if not a long sojourn in his room, to convince my son he can't have something he wants.
Because my kid has always been a bit more than most other children (louder, faster, more passionate), I've been hearing from The Other Parents for a very long time. (Feels like, anyway.) Either a 'toughie' is wondering why I don't just wallop the little brat or a 'softie' is frowning at the extremely firm tone I've taken. What I've noticed the hard asses and softies all have in common, though, is an absolute faith that their system is the cause of their child's good behavior. And an absolute faith that this good behavior and compliance will last throughout childhood and adolescence and into adulthood. That somehow, whatever their system is, it guarantees that their child will never bring home an undesirable future life partner or join a political party or religion other than their parents'.
This seems a very silly thing to think, not that most people would own up to thinking it. The systemization of parenting, the very word parenting, puts the parent in the center, with all the power to make his children turn out 'right', whatever that is. The truth, though, is that parents and children are in a relationship, where all the parties are having to get to know and respect one another. The truth is that children have free will and are perfectly capable of looking at all the good things we have given them and tried to teach them and say, "No. I don't want any of it," and go and do something that breaks our hearts.
It's terrifying, being a parent and knowing that no matter what, my kids have the freedom to reject me and my beliefs absolutely. The thing is, though, that I can't take that freedom away by following some kind of external parenting system. That freedom is intrinsic to them.
I wish I were brave enough to say all this to The Other Parents, but I usually just end up nodding and changing the subject. We'll all find out in 20 or 30 years who did it 'right'. Or not.
Comments
Also, I totally love your little one's nickname. :-D